Creature of memory, she- never, unless Einstein- Aliens have landed-lived, loved

The enormity of small events colliding:
the feeling built slowly
all day
pearls sliding one by one onto a string
sending tremors back and forward
along the whole strand.
Every moment felt as if it had already been lived
already carefully examined and savored.
It felt too familiar,
like snapshots of life pinned
where the wandering eye would memorize every detail,
a school or an office, memories pinned above a desk,
the everyday bustle meaningless, and only those
celluloid squares framing life, the real story
the one happening just now, filling every corner
with the sensation of seen-this-before.
Not only, lived-this-before.
Stepping from one image to the next, walking through walls
like the paper filling of a plot, one sheet at a time,
flipping, flipping
and no one, (or is there?) to tell the heroine,
turn the page, he's right behind you,
open that letter from your uncle,
grab an umbrella.
Creature of memory, she
had always been. But this day
made an ocean of her sunny fishbowl.
Now in the depths of it, in the reaches,
she remembered things she had not yet dreamed.
Two women with the eyes of fishes, eyes of the dead
one looking forward, the other looking behind,
sisters never seeing the eyes of each other.
Speaking truths that pass like ships
One knowing what was, one knowing what will be
one who is, coming for counsel.
A merchant or a thief (it's one and the same)
holding a green glass bauble before a boy.
He is slippery, untrustworthy, but he means no harm.
That image, there, the dish on the stove
this girlish sashay through the kitchen,
breathtaking sprinkle of stars in the heavens,
A small step for man,
the steps of a careful dance around piles
and boxes in a crowded flat.
She has lived it all, so attentively, before.
This time she is careless, bored,
overwhelmed, and paranoid by turns.
No one writes you back, she observes.
You can never write anyone back. You don't know
what it meant to such an author at the time, or what it still means
no experience is truly shared
if our lives are moving targets.
You can only write forwards, write for the moving targets of the future
those who can never, unless Einstein,
unless traveling against that flow,
those who can never write back,
only forwards for them too, trapped in the flow,
no reciprocation, equal and counterpart, action-reaction.
Yes, your cipher worked.
Well done. I am here. Aliens have landed.
it will not say, the message you can never get.
I have heard you. I am here too.
because they have shared what you
once were, a sloughed skin
your futures will be their pasts,
or is it their futures your pasts,
and you will look past each other
at the screens of each other's experience
encrypted
and they will always long for who you were
when you, in past, in passing, left tracks.
Beads, pearls, colliding on a string
separately resonant, but when you
string the last bead and fasten the clasp,
will it slip gently around your neck?
Are those pearls cool on your skin,
or warm, holding a trace of body heat?
Were they a gift to your past or future self?
Two-way mirrors set at right angles.
If the affair is remembered before it can be lived, loved,
she is always haunted by the shadows of what comes next.

Making my way through a book of poetry and a bowl of palatable oatmeal, and it keeps occurring to me, one flash of insight hard on the heels of the previous one, that I am quick to read the book of someone else's existence. Quick to witness someone else's dash into the unknown with a torch. I courageously brave only the night, my reading lamp my only torch, illuminating no other path but the one laid out for a strong female lead.
I remember a man, once an uncle, who built his career on making structures outlive their inhabitants, preserved past the content of living memory. So keen in detecting structural flaws, he left his own house til too late, the moldings crumbling til my aunt brought the roof down around his ears. He made life safe for ages of long-dead residents, and she outgrew his living for someone else.
Fortune cookie says: Stay, and be unremarkable, leave and break hearts.

November's gift

The earth in late November is transmuted, or simply muted, by the cold--no longer snapping sharply with the sudden shock of early autumn, but penetrating deep into the bones of the ground and settling there in a long persistent throbbing.
Grass bleaches, showing the raw earthen colors beneath, ochre, gray, and brown beds laid bare on the hillside, and trees assume their purple silhouettes, skeletal finery slender and tall against the mountains' shadow.
November is life turning over in bed and dreaming of the bones of the earth.
Not black-and-white, not technicolor, this dream is filled with sepia tones, faded textures, and nostalgia for the liveliness of summer. Clay and slate predominate in a once-vibrant landscape, violet and charcoal populate shadows that pooled in summer with deepest green.
"Purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain" were not the mountains and fields of late November. These mountains are far from cartoon, the purple a silent and waiting color, the wisdom of the bare trees written on the hills, grief at the season's end tempered with the maturity of a landscape that endures the test of winter, scrupulously saving to emerge again in spring. The stubble and straw remaining reveals the plow's furrowed tracks, script of a different story, what people have made of the land, their conversation with or their conversion of the earth, schooling it to articulate careful rows of corn, silky tops waving, or whispering seas of alfalfa mingled with the hushing of grasses. November winds have no reeds of grass to caress. Nobember winds go hungry and gnaw bitterly at the land. November's grace is tarnished silver, precious metal weathered by the ravages of time. This time of change and lengthening shadows does not yield up its secrets easily, and all yield to the relentless turning of the wheel.

So Winter Begins

This is a time for remembering, as the first snow falls to the ground, as the winter wraps me in close in deep folds of cloth. A time for turning inward into the heart, beyond the rattle of beech leaves still clinging palely gold, rasping on their branches, the last sensory organs of a dried up season, the last glory and color of a changing perspective. A time for the stores of memory to unwind, a time to examine each garment for holes that would let in the cold, a time to shore up the foundations and the structures that support each of our beings through the long night. This is a time to sit by the fire and tell the story so that we remember who we are, and where we are going. In the dark one's identity is in question, in ways it would never be under the plain illumination, the clear brightness of day. A time of endurance and strength has come, a time of waiting while plans we have dreamed lie asleep still, waiting for us to wake up into them as to a new spring. A time that tests our preparation and our dedication, that seeks out the weak places in us and cracks us open in all our flaws, right there on the icy hillside. In this time, all our acorns must be in, and the long long arms we stretch beyond our valleys to distant lands be pulled back. We are small in winter, small and close, and we keep the heat in but the cold outside of us, and we know when to keep moving, and sometimes we stay still. And in the space where there are no cricket voices, that breath space of cold, ice cavity of a silence instead of a chest, where billowing steam on the breeze replaces the effervescence of a butterfly's lazy trace, there we hear our blood pound through hot vessels, there we hear the clear ringing of the mountain voices, a raven's startle.
I sit and I remember. I remember how the mountains never felt lonely, on those gray blank days when they were wrapped in snowy blankets. Quiet but purposeful, the mountains bowed to receive their caps. It was beauty on a scale only my heart could conceive of, large in the child's chest that housed it. I would tromp along willingly in the wake of its tug, my boots flopping in time with my flouncing scarf and windmilling arms, mittens securely attached. I didn't know why the resonant chords of the mountains, the fact of their presence, laid bare against the snow, should leave such a welling sadness within me, so solemn for an eight-year-old experiencing the weight of the world. The enormity of the love I felt consumed me without outlet, I could not relate it on a human level, nor understand it. I was simply covered, like an avalanche. I found myself running, running, struggling through snowdrifts, wading when it became deeper and entered my boots, urgently heading somewhere, collapsing in the blank hysteria of an empty field, white as a page, my footsteps laid out behind me. Those footsteps proved the pinnacle of my grief, that I would move a tiny mouse pinned to the land, so removed from the rolling vastness of the mountains I longed for, encompassed but never encompassing. I sought the memory I now hold, memory of flight. Memory of my true sight of the world, my falcon's eyes, with which I envisioned all laid out before me, beat wings with which I gave thanks for all laid out beneath me. A hopeless, sweet child I struggled in utter confusion, barraged by the senses I once knew how to make sense of, fledgling in freefall, not yet knowing to spread my wings. The mountains received my keening and echoed back my cries to the crisp, falling snow.

a note about process

Writing is what happens in between. I live at the edge of something, the causeway connecting many things. A river empties where I stand. And in this land of ebb and flux, I simply arrive to find something waiting. There is writing happening all the time, everywhere I meet inner light manifesting Truth through form. Sometimes it appears on paper, but sometimes I write on the inside of my eyelids, or in the sand, or on the skin of a beloved. I write trails through the air, and send messages on the wind. Most of it is in the language of my living cells, though English occasionally predominates. Even if I decide ahead of time what to write, what appears will be markedly different, and not of my choosing. The only thing I can do is be ready, be skillful, and craft myself into the finest instrument for some larger (and as yet unknown to me) purpose. And then I show up to play. It is wild. It is an untameable ride on the rollercoaster of the cosmos. There are no guard rails. And everything I bring back with me counts as another star, a fresh start, a word added to a bag full of sand. The magician never reveals his tricks, because there are no tricks, just the magic of perception. The five year old, wide-eyed, knows it all. Nothing is written in stone because the word, nothing, is written in stone in the sidewalk. It's a joke. And I have so far to fall.
It's true that I have no expectations, but is the expectation of expectations an expectation? The anxiety is all me, but I empty out through this work. My vital spot is the meeting place, the ecotone, the blending and opposing forces as they join. The front and back covers, yin yang. All I am certain of, all I name myself, is change.

now you see me...

I practiced invisibility for many years. When you say that no one should go out expecting to be invisible, know that as I left my child's body I tried to keep whatever quiet and nondescript silvery film covered me. I tried to keep still as a mouse, still as the books I read. I stayed passed over, or imagined myself passed over. I became an eddy in the flow of humanity. The first time I came into an understanding that I was not invisible for all practical purposes, I was twenty and in a foreign country. A country, moreover, where dark-skinned (mostly smiling) faces insisted on meeting my eye. Here I could not escape by being in my own head. I was loudly, publicly white, very much an object of curiosity and conjecture. And there I realized I had never been invisible. I had never come to terms with the striking truth of my own identity. The closest I had ever come to wearing my own skin was when I mingled with performers, bravados, young lions boastfully holding a posture, their swagger all tail and flowing hair. Among people to whom a mask was so essential, people who maintain a separate stage identity beyond all proportion to a normal human ego, and who may not mingle easily with the common fold, among such people I found a strange kind of freedom from my self-imposed exile by invisibility. Their masks oddly freed me from my own. I could slip out of my dull cloak and stand, feeling myself no longer all elbows and knees and knobby shoulders. I felt that what I had become was not so foreign after all in their company, where it could be taken for another mask, and where those with true seeing would not mind. Knowing that my full realized existence would challenge social conventions, I kept my moments of lucid embodiment to the practice of performing, a new skill I exercised as I once had invisibility. The three months I spent under tropical suns were three months of constant performance, constant embodiment of an identity, when I knew that I exist without borders when no one is looking. (I am like the cat, everything, nothing. Examine me Schrodinger, and I am fixed, a contrary to your constant.) The exhaustion of stares, blazing stronger than the sun, weighed on me. That battle constantly waged within my face. Knowing that I will fight to be seen, to express myself, knowing that an aggressive assertion is linked to some presentation of selfhood, I yet linger in the penumbra, whispering what I would shout. Awaiting some cue to step from backstage and to take my place in the spotlight.

I knew there was a reason. That vague unsettling feeling that led me three months ago, the dissatisfaction, the burn of things not lining up, of too many things jostling for attention, coincidence upon haphazard colliding with force, simultaneity and synchronicity impacting, and the collisions were too forceful within my warring selves. I wrote apocali (?), not one, multiple apocalypses, saw the wrongness of that word, the lack of it, the very wrongness an unease I couldn't pinpoint. How could it not encompass the multiplicity of endings being drawn together? That noticing made me afraid. The bling-sightedness of all those prophets. Mass hysteria and conspiracy, all singular and selfish. And here, just on page 84, something I didn't know was true, yet, has just been confirmed by China Mieville. A bit dramatically, but all the same. The right chord is struck. The brush takes the next stroke. Is it any wonder then that I feel... vindicated? relieved? Someone else noticed and wrote to my fears. Made them sane. Made them fictive and poetic, spelled them out in myth. Which has its roots in the collective unconscious and without reason, beyond reason, draws us in from the night of logic. Here you're not alone, he whispers, here the world is raving mad. Some comfort.

"It's the ends of the world."
"End of the world?"
"Ends."--- Kraken, by China Mieville

The Money Tree

- a story I wrote when I was 11. The best story I've ever written, in my opinion.

Susan came running back to the house breathless. She gasped out "Tree!" and pointed toward the trails she had been on near their summer house. Mark asked if she could show him the way and Susan only nodded. She walked slowly up the trail and began to recover her breath. She told Mark that she had decided to explore the grounds around the summer house and had followed this trail for about a quarter of a mile, and then there was a little clearing, with a single little tree in the middle. It was a kind of tree the children had never seen before, and it had beautiful flowers on it. They were silvery with golden centers. They brought a bouquet home for their mother. They went there every day until summer was over and it was time to go to school. They went back to the tree for the last time and saw that the tree had seeded over and now had bright green pods. They opened some, and a silver dollar fell out of each pod. "Quick," Mark said, "gather lots of the pods and open them all! It might run out soon and we could be rich!" They did become rich and next summer they went back and got more money. They had enough to get both of them through college. They got an early retirement plan and lived in a mansion in the winter and they always went to the summer house in the summer.

The chariot

I see the charge of my task as a rocking horse on the tidal sands of a beach. This horse is stationary like the Chariot in the tarot deck, yet they both contain the meaning of direction. One foot in water, and one on land, the charioteer brings together opposites, light and dark, to guide them in the same direction, steering opposite forces to move in a productive direction. At the moment, I stand in an estuarine environment, a changing borderland where forces impact and diffuse, bleed one into the other. The question that the charioteer must answer: does this movement carry me closer to my goal? And then comes the knowledge that headlong pursuit may be ruinous. As the chariot draws up alongside its opponent it is victorious. The chariot says that victory is what happens after the battle, the governing of a new kingdom, and drawing from that polarity into a united directed purpose.

Take the Cake

Or, A Happiness Unquation.
an anecdote that may explain a lot.
I am a passenger in a car. My friend is sitting next to me. On my lap is a beautifully decorated vegan cake. I am twenty-one, and I am excited because I can eat it without feeling bad later, and because there are pretty flowers and hearts all over it. I am so very happy to be holding a cake on my lap. I feel very special. Like a five-year-old. Like a five-year-old princess. Make that a fairy princess. You get the idea.
All of a sudden, I realize SOMETHING IS WRONG. I am happy. I am holding cake. I feel special. WHAT IF my friend sitting next to me is not feeling special, or like a five-year-old-fairy-princess?
What if she is upset because she doesn't get to hold the cake?
More to the point, what if she is upset because I feel special?
And so I offer to let her hold the cake.
She is bewildered by my offer. She is not aware that I felt so very happy about holding the cake, and it certainly won't make her as thrilled. She has no desire to hold the cake. She says so. We both laugh, and I grin sheepishly, clutching the cake a little tighter.
I reflect on the enormity of my errors in the areas of subjectivity and the transferability of happiness, as well as my own sense of self-worth. I refer to this incident as a "Take the Cake" scenario. I use it to measure whether I am denying myself enjoyment in a fruitless attempt to make others feel happy. Is this a Take the Cake scenario?